The World’s Most Dangerous Lighter.
With as many barking labels as this lighter has, it has to be extremely fucking explosive. Use only when you are suicidal or when your lips are frozen to a homeless’ shelter’s outdoor toilet (I don’t know why that would happen).
The only thing they forgot to mention was “not to stick this in your anal hole after drinking a gallon of kerosine”.
Are you a suicide bomb specialist? Send your email to Raunchy Contacts and my personal assistant Deirdre will send you her panties. She’s very clean.
Shit On.
Excellent wine making. Terrible marketing.
Have you shat on something or somebody in the last 12.37 nanoseconds? Send your email to Raunchy Contacts and my personal assistant Deirdre will send you her panties. She’s very clean.
The Pink Swastika Blog.
Yes! They’re back!
Remember the warped self-proclaimed “Christians” I told you about in this posting: Christians For A Moral America and this one: Christians For A Moral America Part 2 ?
They have now regrouped and returned, armed with their irresistible humor (at least I hope that’s what they mean)! Read all about it on their “Pink Swastika Blog” here: The Pink Swastika Blog .
Do you have a pink swastika tattooed on your forehead? Send your email to my personal assistant Deirdre here: Raunchy Contacts and she will send you her panties. She’s very clean.
Mysterious Girl.
I want to share this with you because I fucking hate you. And I fucking hate Peter Andre.
Here are the instructions. I will self-destruct you in 5 seconds. Read the genocide inducing lyrics (complete version, just to fuck with you), then click the link below to watch the horrible horrible horrible video. Then kill yourself and your mother (in random order) with a rusty hammer. Good luck.
Girl i wanna do to you
All the things you want me to
I need to be with the woman that i love
Baby girl… let your loving release
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Mysterious girl
I wanna get close to you
(So close to you my baby)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Mysterious girl
Move your body close to mine
Well i’ve been sitting by the phone hoping you’d call
When time me hear your voice I feel ten feet tall
Body weh you have a make de man dem a bawl
Man a trip over man when time your name call
Your pretty looks surround me like a flowers a bloom
And I love the smell of your Elizabeth Taylor perfume
Your personality alone light up de room
Just one kiss alone a make me heart go boom
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Mysterious girl
I wanna get close to you
(c’mon now, c’mon now)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Mysterious girl
Move your body close to mine
Panda Death Match.
I think I might have accidentally murdered a panda bear this morning. I was going to work when he suddenly popped up in front of me, just like Justin Bieber does in all his video clips. He asked for a cigaret. I told him to “fuck off and drown in a cesspool of vomit, sweat, urine, choco pops, vomit, worms, zebra brains, lukewarm beer, vomit, ass hair, mashed potatoes with too much milk in it, vomit, pubic hair, jock saliva, dead people and vomit”. He didn’t take it too well and looked at me funny. So I had to stick an infected fork in his brain (through the eye ball).
Are you missing a panda bear or did you find a dead panda bear in a canal next to your home? Send your address details to my personal assistant Deirdre here: Raunchy Contacts ,and she will send you her panties. She’s very clean.
Fuck Chuck.
Fuck Chuck Norris. Jean Claude Van Damme is gay. Sylvester Stallone is a pussy and Bruce Lee hits like a girl.
But Jo Bonten is here.
Jo Bonten is a cross between a ninja, a Crips member and a jet pilot. Jo Bonten is also an eloquent speaker and the best teacher you’ll ever find.
YouTube Jo Bonten and you will find lessons in “Surviving the Mist”, “Slipping and Evading”, “Setting up a Christmas Tree”, “The Flying Front Kick”, “The Roundhouse Kick”, “Survival in the Snow”, “The Spinning Back Fist”, “Hiding Easter Eggs”, “Outdoor Stamina” and many more.
To give you a nice start into the brave world of Jo Bonten (I can’t repeat the name of this godly creature enough), here’s my favorite video: “Vicious Combinations”.
The Bieber Strikes Again.
What a day.
My dog threw up on my grandmom. I found a smelly sticky substance in a corner of my garage and it scares me. My shoelace broke. It was my favorite shoelace. I loved that shoelace. It gave meaning to my life. And hope. World hunger. It sucks. War too. It sucks, you know. It sucks harder than a desperate toothless crack whore. Oprah still hasn’t hung herself. And our dear little fuckbunny Justin Bieber won a prize at a film festival.
I need to violently rape a nun now. Before I kill someone. Or myself. Or you.
Houston, We Have A Situation.
What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. This. World.
That’s basically all I really need to know.
I’ll explain. So. Little kids, please vomit now so we can clean it up beforehand and get it over with. Everybody vomited? Okay, here’s the deal: ‘Jersey Shore’ star The Situation checks out of rehab after seeking treatment for prescription pill addiction.
Read the full hilarious story here: The Situation
Okay. So A Guy is basically just doing nothing. And getting paid for it. Then having a nervous breakdown from doing nothing. And getting hooked on prescription pills. From doing nothing.
Can happen. Nobody’s perfect. Pff. You know? Whatever. Tss.
But why T.H.E. F.U.C.K. does this guy calls himself “The Situation”? Why? Why? WHY?? I mean: WHY??? Why?
Why?
Why? WHY??
I need to see my shrink now. And a nuclear weapons dealer.
Warped.
What the fuck is wrong with the Amish?!
Okay, they’re weird, we know that, but all this time they seemed to be so peaceful. But then they start breaking into their fellow Amish’ houses to cut their beards off!
Amish Beard Cutting Plead Not Guilty.
But now they’re even betraying themselves! The alleged leader of a splinter Amish group charged with federal religious-motivated crimes in a slew of beard- and hair-cutting attacks in his Ohio community says he would use electricity to facilitate an electronic monitoring device if a judge agreed to his pre-trial release, court documents show.
Electricity. Is. E.V.I.L.L.L.L.L. (I’m not sure if the spelling is correct).
I quote: “The court has “stated that there were no ‘conditions or combinations of conditions’ that could warrant Mr. Mullet’s release pending trial. This court seemed to make this finding, at least in part, on the fact that one of the common conditions of pretrial release imposed by courts, electronic monitoring, would not be available to Mr. Mullet because his home is not equipt (sic) with electricity because of his Amish beliefs,” Bryan wrote. ” … Mr. Mullet informs that he is not opposed to allowing electricity to be installed at his residence to accommodate an electronic monitoring device. It is not part of the Amish belief system that electricity is per se evil.””
Raunchy Mike’s tips to start or join a Christian or Satanic cult can be found here: 10 Things To Do Before You’re Dead.
Polite Shirt.
I’m so happy with my new shirt. Not only am I looking good in it, it’s also extremely fucking polite.
I feel like the shirt is wearing me!
Thank you, all you slaving kids in Bangladesh! Hugs hugs kisses kisses!